Saturday, July 28, 2012

Though I walk through the valley...

Yesterday I was incredibly hopeful and found great comfort in my God who is much greater than the details of adoption. Today my heart grows weary with them. I feel that I am standing on the precipice of a chasm that is impossible to cross, precariously balancing on the edge. All my eyes can see is the thick fog that weighs heavy on my soul and the deep darkness that causes my heart to grow fearful. Paperwork begins to pile up, fees begin to mount, and miscommunication all work to distract from why I am doing this. It is in these day that I need to remember why I am doing this. It was only a few months ago that we were matched with a birth mother. I still remember overhearing Denise talking on the phone, asking quick questions and giving brief affirmation to the information that she was receiving. Puzzled about the curious call at such an early time of day I inquired of its nature. She informed me that a friend of ours who is a maternity nurse was working with a birth mother who wanted to give her child up for adoption. No sooner than our friend was made aware of the intentions that she slipped away and called us. After a mad scramble for phone numbers and a deep breath to calm my hectic nerves I called our social worker to inform her of this magical turn of events. Over the course of the next few hours we agonized about how the details would be orchestrated and how in a matter of 48 hours would be holding a new baby girl. The details did work out and the birth mother agreed to place her baby with us. Euphoria. Relief. Disbelief. Surreal. Words have such impotence to describe the emotions that we were feeling.Yet, as the hours ticked by we still knew the chances that the mother could change her mind. It was a very real possibility because she tested positive for cocaine at birth along with her baby. The positive test was a volatile variable because we didn't know if it was the drugs making the decision or her own sound mind. I don't think we will ever know the answer to that. What we only know is that she changed her mind. The baby we so desperately wanted was snatched away with a phone call from our social worker saying, "She has decided to parent." It is breath taking how quickly one can fall from the mountain top to the valley.

The mountain top is a place of great hope. The valley a place of despair. It is the valley that convinces you that the mountain is too difficult to achieve. The whispers of the valley attempt to convince you that the mountain top is not a reality...or a place that you don't belong. Yet one thing that the mountain top and the valley have in common is that in both the human understanding can be so unfocused. I remember writing after we had been matched, "It is not simply the times of deep sorrow that the Holy Spirit intercedes with prayer to our Father but also the times of great joy when the heart is alight but the mind unfocused. May we always be mindful of the greatness of our Great High Priest who is always present in the valley and on the mountain." In those short 18 hours that we were on the mountain I remembering that there were so many things that we needed to do. Despite being matched my mind bounced from task to task wondering how we were to accomplish such things. I knew that God would provide but I couldn't fathom how He would. Spending my time toiling over the details would not accomplish a single task. This is the same for my heavy heart today. I can spend time in fear, doubt, worry, self pity, and gloom yet nothing is going to change my circumstances. Investing my time in these worthless pursuits of worry and anxiety will only cause my wandering heart to fear more. I must look to my Great High Priest Jesus Christ (Hebrews 4:14) and cry out, "Lord I believe. Help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). For it is He who promised in Romans 8:26-27, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." Today I feel those groanings too deep for words. My heart is a swirl of fear, doubt, and trepidation. One moment I tell myself I am a fool for believing that adoption will happen for us and the next I remind myself of the little girl who was born addicted to cocaine, needing parents to love and protect her. This journey is not for the faint of heart. I do feel my feet growing heavy and my back growing weary carrying the weight of the process. It is in this time that I must remind myself that it is not my burden to carry. God will provide the finances that have unexpectedly piled up. God is the one that will chose a birth mother for us. God is the one who will strengthen our weary hearts. It is my responsibility to trust. It is my responsibility to keep walking up the path. It is my responsibility to pray, "Not my will but yours be done." 

Oh great and glorious Heavenly Father, 
It is you who formed the heavens for your glory. It is you who set this earth in motion. It is you who formed me in my mother's womb. It is you who breathed the breath of life into my lungs. In you I live, move, and have being. I confess that there is nothing that is beyond your control. You orchestrate the joys and struggles of this life according to your will. Nothing is to difficult to you for you possess infinite wisdom and unquenchable power. You give food to the raven and you clothe the lily of the field. How much more have you cared for the needs of your children? I thank you for the provisions that you have given thus far. Thank you for a community who loves and supports. Thank you for being a Father who cares for His children. Lord, because you are my shepherd I have no need to want. Teach me to be satisfied with the provision of your hand. Teach me to not doubt the wisdom and compassion of my good shepherd. I pray Lord that you would take the details of the adoption and work them according to your plan. Assuage my anxiety. Squelch my fear. Chase away the voices of doubt for your glory alone.

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