The mountain top is a place of great hope. The valley a place of despair. It is the valley that convinces you that the mountain is too difficult to achieve. The whispers of the valley attempt to convince you that the mountain top is not a reality...or a place that you don't belong. Yet one thing that the mountain top and the valley have in common is that in both the human understanding can be so unfocused. I remember writing after we had been matched, "It is not simply the times of deep sorrow that the Holy Spirit intercedes with prayer to our Father but also the times of great joy when the heart is alight but the mind unfocused. May we always be mindful of the greatness of our Great High Priest who is always present in the valley and on the mountain." In those short 18 hours that we were on the mountain I remembering that there were so many things that we needed to do. Despite being matched my mind bounced from task to task wondering how we were to accomplish such things. I knew that God would provide but I couldn't fathom how He would. Spending my time toiling over the details would not accomplish a single task. This is the same for my heavy heart today. I can spend time in fear, doubt, worry, self pity, and gloom yet nothing is going to change my circumstances. Investing my time in these worthless pursuits of worry and anxiety will only cause my wandering heart to fear more. I must look to my Great High Priest Jesus Christ (Hebrews 4:14) and cry out, "Lord I believe. Help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). For it is He who promised in Romans 8:26-27, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." Today I feel those groanings too deep for words. My heart is a swirl of fear, doubt, and trepidation. One moment I tell myself I am a fool for believing that adoption will happen for us and the next I remind myself of the little girl who was born addicted to cocaine, needing parents to love and protect her. This journey is not for the faint of heart. I do feel my feet growing heavy and my back growing weary carrying the weight of the process. It is in this time that I must remind myself that it is not my burden to carry. God will provide the finances that have unexpectedly piled up. God is the one that will chose a birth mother for us. God is the one who will strengthen our weary hearts. It is my responsibility to trust. It is my responsibility to keep walking up the path. It is my responsibility to pray, "Not my will but yours be done."
Oh great and glorious Heavenly Father,
It is you who formed the heavens for your glory. It is you who set this earth in motion. It is you who formed me in my mother's womb. It is you who breathed the breath of life into my lungs. In you I live, move, and have being. I confess that there is nothing that is beyond your control. You orchestrate the joys and struggles of this life according to your will. Nothing is to difficult to you for you possess infinite wisdom and unquenchable power. You give food to the raven and you clothe the lily of the field. How much more have you cared for the needs of your children? I thank you for the provisions that you have given thus far. Thank you for a community who loves and supports. Thank you for being a Father who cares for His children. Lord, because you are my shepherd I have no need to want. Teach me to be satisfied with the provision of your hand. Teach me to not doubt the wisdom and compassion of my good shepherd. I pray Lord that you would take the details of the adoption and work them according to your plan. Assuage my anxiety. Squelch my fear. Chase away the voices of doubt for your glory alone.